Here is a series of blogs created by Xenia Schembri offering great support and advice on a range of trauma related topics. Feel free to comment and share with others.
Blogs
Teaching Consent from the Ground Up
As parents and caregivers, one of the most powerful things we can do is teach our children about consent, not just in the context of relationships when they’re older, but right now, in everyday life. One simple but powerful phrase to start with is “If you don’t accept my no, you’ll never get a yes.” This message helps children understand that respecting boundaries is non-negotiable. When we begin using this concept consistently, whether they’re asking for a toy, pushing back at dinnertime or trying to negotiate for extra screen time, we’re setting a strong foundation for how they’ll view and practice consent in all areas of life.
The Importance of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a topic that many struggle with, especially those who have experienced deep trauma. Here at At The Ark, we often talk about forgiveness in our trauma recovery courses, seminars, and counselling sessions because it is a crucial part of healing. But let’s be clear, forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It’s not about saying what happened was okay. It’s about setting yourself free.
Grooming and Online Predators
Grooming is a tactic used by abusers to gain a child's trust before exploiting them. It often starts with small, seemingly harmless gestures, special attention, gifts, or favours before escalating. While grooming can happen in person, online grooming has become an increasing threat through social media, gaming platforms, and messaging apps.
Keeping Your Children Safe Online
In today’s digital age, children are more connected than ever. While the internet offers countless educational opportunities and entertainment options, it also presents various risks. As parents and guardians, it’s crucial to equip ourselves with the right tools and knowledge to protect our children from potential online dangers. Here are some effective tools to help keep your children safe online and a few tips to foster a safe digital environment.
Keeping Kids Safe: A Community Effort
When it comes to protecting children, it’s easy to think of safety as just a parent’s responsibility. But in reality, child safety is something we all need to be part of parents, caregivers, teachers, and the entire community. Here at At The Ark, we believe that knowledge is power, and the more we equip children, parents, and educators with the right tools, the safer our kids will be.
Overcoming Stigma Around Domestic Violence and Abuse
Domestic violence and abuse are often hidden in silence, wrapped in fear, shame, and stigma. Many victims feel unable to speak out, not because they don’t want to, but because society has conditioned them to believe they won’t be believed, supported, or even safe if they do. But the reality is, staying silent only allows the cycle of abuse to continue.
Making a Family Safety Plan
Every parent’s priority is ensuring their children feel safe and secure, even in the face of unexpected challenges. A family safety plan is a simple yet powerful tool that empowers children to respond confidently in difficult situations. Here’s how you can create one for your family.
Why Aligned Goals and Values Matter for a Healthy Relationship
When it comes to dating, new relationships, or even long-term partnerships, having aligned goals and values is one of the most important things for a healthy relationship. Whether you're just starting out in a relationship or you're looking to build a deeper connection with your partner, having shared ambitions and principles can make all the difference. Let’s talk about why aligning your goals and values is so important for building a strong, loving relationship.
The Great Safe Escape: Planning for Freedom and Safety
Leaving an abusive situation is one of the most courageous decisions anyone can make. However, it’s also one that requires careful thought and preparation to ensure safety. The Great Safe Escape is all about creating a plan that prioritises your well-being and empowers you to take that vital first step toward freedom.
Understanding Safe People vs. Unsafe People
Navigating relationships can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially when trying to determine who truly has your best interests at heart. By focusing on behaviours rather than labels, you can learn to identify safe people who uplift you and avoid unsafe people who may harm your well-being.
Teaching Body Boundaries
As parents and carers, one of the most impactful lessons we can teach our children is the concept of body boundaries. Understanding that their body belongs to them, and only they decide who can touch them. This is a powerful way to install confidence, self-respect, and a sense of safety.
Humour That Builds, Not Breaks
Laughter is often called the best medicine, and in relationships, it’s no different. Humour can be a powerful tool to strengthen your bond, lighten tough moments, and bring joy to everyday life. But not all humour is created equal. Let’s explore how the right kind of humour can nurture a loving, respectful connection.
Resources You Can Offer as a Friend
When someone you care about is in an unsafe or abusive situation, knowing how to help can feel overwhelming. You want to provide meaningful support without overstepping or causing additional stress. As a friend, your role is not to solve the problem but to offer safety, options, and unwavering support.
Setting Boundaries for Children: Building Trust and Safety
Teaching children about boundaries is a critical part of their development, helping them feel safe, respected, and empowered. By introducing these simple, age-appropriate lessons, parents and caregivers can equip children with the tools they need to navigate the world with confidence.
It's Okay to Say “No”
Teaching children about safety is one of the most crucial responsibilities of parents and carers. Empowering kids to understand their rights and boundaries not only protects them but also builds their confidence and resilience. One of the most effective ways to start is by teaching them the power of saying no.
4 Simple Signs of Emotional Security in Relationships
Emotional security is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It’s about creating an environment where both partners feel safe, supported, and valued. Recognising emotional security in your relationship can help you appreciate its strength or identify areas for growth.
A Safe and Transparent Environment for Children
Creating a secure and transparent environment for children isn’t just about policies, it’s about creating a community that genuinely cares. Every child deserves to feel safe, supported, and valued, whether it be at home, school or in public spaces. As adults, we share the profound responsibility of protecting their well-being.
Supporting Someone Going Through Abuse
Supporting someone experiencing abuse can feel overwhelming, but knowing how to help can make all the difference. Abuse is isolating, and your care and understanding may be the lifeline they need. Here at At The Ark, we offer resources to empower you and those in your life to navigate this difficult journey.
The Power of a Safe Word
As parents, we all want to ensure that our children feel safe and empowered, no matter what challenges they face. One practical and effective way to achieve this is by setting up a "safe word." This simple yet powerful tool can give your child a voice and a plan when they find themselves in a situation where they need help.
Building Bridges to Genuine Connection and Healthy Communication
Strong relationships are built on trust, understanding, and communication. Whether you’re dating or navigating a long-term partnership, focusing on these green flags can help you foster genuine connections and ensure your communication is healthy and meaningful.
Recognising Non-Verbal Signs of Abuse
Abuse doesn’t always come with visible bruises or spoken words. Often, it manifests through subtle, non-verbal signs that are easy to overlook. Recognising these signs is vital for supporting individuals who might be suffering in silence. We’ll explore common non-verbal indicators of abuse and how to approach the situation with care and empathy.
4 Tips for Building a Positive Parent-Child Relationship
Parenting is one of the most impactful roles we take on in life. The foundation we build with our children shapes their emotional well-being, self-esteem, and future relationships. By focusing on positive interactions, we can create a nurturing environment where children feel loved, valued, and understood.
Healing Through Healthy Friendships
Friendships play a pivotal role in our emotional well-being, especially when we’re navigating challenging times or on a journey of healing. While toxic dynamics often dominate conversations about relationships, it’s equally important to recognise the green flags that signal a truly healthy and supportive friendship.
Abuse Is Not Just Physical
When we think of abuse, physical harm is often the first thing that comes to mind. However, abuse can take many forms, including emotional, psychological, financial, and neglect. These non-physical forms can be just as damaging, leaving deep scars that may go unnoticed. Recognising these signs is crucial in supporting those who may be suffering.
RED FLAGS... Trauma Bonding
Have you ever felt an attachment to someone and no matter how that person treats you, you find excuses for the bad behaviour and you overlook the red flags and abuse? In fact, you feel you have to do whatever it takes to get love from them to escape the despair of feeling unloved or discarded by them.
RED FLAGS... Love Bombing
How do you know the difference between love bombing and love? Let's talk about what love bombing is and then I will discuss how to know the difference. The terminology ‘love bombing’ has become increasingly more popular over recent years and refers to a pattern of overly affectionate behaviours that, occurs mostly at the beginning of a relationship. One party ‘bombs’ the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention.
RED FLAGS... Codependency v Interdependency
‘Am I in love or am becoming co-dependent?’ Is a question that I have been asked many times. This blog is not about abusive relationships as such, although they can turn abusive. I want to be clear that a survivor of an abusive relationship is not to blame at any stage and are not co-dependent, they are or have been traumatised. And they react and respond accordingly. but for anyone who is questioning co-dependency then here is an explanation that may help.
RED FLAGS... Coercive Control
It starts with the little things, 'I don't like your hair this way' or 'I don't like that top'. Before long, it's taken over your life.
It's okay to accept someone's opinion on things, and everyone has a right to have their own point of view. When the statements get treated as 'law' in a relationship, then you have a problem. This creates a fear of what your partner might do when they don't like something. When their reactions dictate your behaviours, it has become controlling. Before long, you can't make decisions on your own, and you feel imprisoned by their rules and regulations. You feel like you have been taken by force and being held against your will.
RED FLAGS... Gaslighting
To know how to spot gaslighting, you need to understand it. Gaslighting has become a popular term, but it can be a bit hard to get your head around. It is a manipulative manoeuvre used by an abuser to make someone question their own thoughts, memories and events occurring around them. Eventually, the victim may even question their own sanity.
RED FLAGS... The Great SAFE Escape
Everyone knows how hard it is to break up a relationship but to leave a person who is abusing you is particularly hard. Mainly because of the fears that are involved... What will you do? How will you do it so you are safe?
RED FLAGS... Why Do I Feel Their Guilt
There are so many of us that carry guilt around with us, and for the survivors of trauma, we carry more than we have to. Many survivors of a traumatic event are left with this sense of guilt and shame, this is known as trauma-related guilt.
Many of us have been diagnosed with PTSD. Guilt and shame have a role in this disorder. Trauma-related guilt is the feeling of regret that we could have, should have, and we didn’t do something different than what we did at the time of the event, or within the ongoing abuse or trauma-related incident.
RED FLAGS... Reactive Abuse
As we know, most abusers use tactics to confuse their victims, I have spoken about that many times in my other blogs. What I want to address in this one, is how abusers use reactive abuse tactics to shift the blame for the abuse on the other person. Reactive abuse is one of the favourite moves of the abuser. They use this tactic to try and make the victim believe that they are the actual abuser because the victim reacted to the abuse that they have had to endure. The victim may have reacted by; shouting, screaming, snapping, throwing insults, or physically fighting back or lashing out. The abuser will try to convince the victim that they are overreacting because 'there is nothing' worth reacting about.
RED FLAGS... Breaking The 'Abuse Me' Vibe
For years I remember thinking have I got 'abuse me' written on my forehead, or did I give out an 'I'm easy for you to abuse' kind of vibe?
I have since discovered that I am not the only one who felt this. Many people, especially women, can go from one abusive relationship to another. Maybe we don't feel we deserve any better. Perhaps, we are kind and gentle. Some people may take advantage of our demeanour. Or do we actually like the bad boy/girl image?
RED FLAGS... Fear of Leaving
The question I probably get asked the most since I left my 15-year abusive relationship is, 'why didn't you just leave?' Every time I am asked, it almost feels as if they are blaming me for staying. The facts are, there are many reasons why people stay in an unhealthy relationship and no matter how many other people suggest leaving it has to be done in your own time.
Questions you DON'T ask someone in an unhealthy relationship
For many years people have asked me ‘why didn’t you leave your ex-husband sooner?’ Or ‘If there were signs of control before you got married why did you marry him?’ These are genuine questions that really bother people who have not been in an abusive relationship. Even though I understand why people ask these questions, it is frustrating to hear it. I felt that it almost put the blame of the abuse on me. It was as if people were saying ‘you kept putting yourself into the situation, or you should have known better’. I often said that to myself, I would take the blame, maybe I should have known better.
FREEDOM... From the crazy and negative minds
During my time of recovering from the unhealthy relationship that I had with my ex-husband, I found that it was more about conquering my thoughts and beginning to make new choices.
You see, I believed the things that I was told by him. I believed I couldn’t do anything, that I was solely dependent upon him and had no independence at all.
