Here is a series of blogs created by Xenia Schembri offering great support and advice on a range of trauma related topics. Feel free to comment and share with others.
Blogs
Resources You Can Offer as a Friend
When someone you care about is in an unsafe or abusive situation, knowing how to help can feel overwhelming. You want to provide meaningful support without overstepping or causing additional stress. As a friend, your role is not to solve the problem but to offer safety, options, and unwavering support.
Setting Boundaries for Children: Building Trust and Safety
Teaching children about boundaries is a critical part of their development, helping them feel safe, respected, and empowered. By introducing these simple, age-appropriate lessons, parents and caregivers can equip children with the tools they need to navigate the world with confidence.
It's Okay to Say “No”
Teaching children about safety is one of the most crucial responsibilities of parents and carers. Empowering kids to understand their rights and boundaries not only protects them but also builds their confidence and resilience. One of the most effective ways to start is by teaching them the power of saying no.
4 Simple Signs of Emotional Security in Relationships
Emotional security is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It’s about creating an environment where both partners feel safe, supported, and valued. Recognising emotional security in your relationship can help you appreciate its strength or identify areas for growth.
A Safe and Transparent Environment for Children
Creating a secure and transparent environment for children isn’t just about policies, it’s about creating a community that genuinely cares. Every child deserves to feel safe, supported, and valued, whether it be at home, school or in public spaces. As adults, we share the profound responsibility of protecting their well-being.
Supporting Someone Going Through Abuse
Supporting someone experiencing abuse can feel overwhelming, but knowing how to help can make all the difference. Abuse is isolating, and your care and understanding may be the lifeline they need. Here at At The Ark, we offer resources to empower you and those in your life to navigate this difficult journey.
The Power of a Safe Word
As parents, we all want to ensure that our children feel safe and empowered, no matter what challenges they face. One practical and effective way to achieve this is by setting up a "safe word." This simple yet powerful tool can give your child a voice and a plan when they find themselves in a situation where they need help.
Building Bridges to Genuine Connection and Healthy Communication
Strong relationships are built on trust, understanding, and communication. Whether you’re dating or navigating a long-term partnership, focusing on these green flags can help you foster genuine connections and ensure your communication is healthy and meaningful.
Recognising Non-Verbal Signs of Abuse
Abuse doesn’t always come with visible bruises or spoken words. Often, it manifests through subtle, non-verbal signs that are easy to overlook. Recognising these signs is vital for supporting individuals who might be suffering in silence. We’ll explore common non-verbal indicators of abuse and how to approach the situation with care and empathy.
4 Tips for Building a Positive Parent-Child Relationship
Parenting is one of the most impactful roles we take on in life. The foundation we build with our children shapes their emotional well-being, self-esteem, and future relationships. By focusing on positive interactions, we can create a nurturing environment where children feel loved, valued, and understood.
Healing Through Healthy Friendships
Friendships play a pivotal role in our emotional well-being, especially when we’re navigating challenging times or on a journey of healing. While toxic dynamics often dominate conversations about relationships, it’s equally important to recognise the green flags that signal a truly healthy and supportive friendship.
Abuse Is Not Just Physical
When we think of abuse, physical harm is often the first thing that comes to mind. However, abuse can take many forms, including emotional, psychological, financial, and neglect. These non-physical forms can be just as damaging, leaving deep scars that may go unnoticed. Recognising these signs is crucial in supporting those who may be suffering.
RED FLAGS... Trauma Bonding
Have you ever felt an attachment to someone and no matter how that person treats you, you find excuses for the bad behaviour and you overlook the red flags and abuse? In fact, you feel you have to do whatever it takes to get love from them to escape the despair of feeling unloved or discarded by them.
RED FLAGS... Love Bombing
How do you know the difference between love bombing and love? Let's talk about what love bombing is and then I will discuss how to know the difference. The terminology ‘love bombing’ has become increasingly more popular over recent years and refers to a pattern of overly affectionate behaviours that, occurs mostly at the beginning of a relationship. One party ‘bombs’ the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention.
RED FLAGS... Codependency v Interdependency
‘Am I in love or am becoming co-dependent?’ Is a question that I have been asked many times. This blog is not about abusive relationships as such, although they can turn abusive. I want to be clear that a survivor of an abusive relationship is not to blame at any stage and are not co-dependent, they are or have been traumatised. And they react and respond accordingly. but for anyone who is questioning co-dependency then here is an explanation that may help.
RED FLAGS... Coercive Control
It starts with the little things, 'I don't like your hair this way' or 'I don't like that top'. Before long, it's taken over your life.
It's okay to accept someone's opinion on things, and everyone has a right to have their own point of view. When the statements get treated as 'law' in a relationship, then you have a problem. This creates a fear of what your partner might do when they don't like something. When their reactions dictate your behaviours, it has become controlling. Before long, you can't make decisions on your own, and you feel imprisoned by their rules and regulations. You feel like you have been taken by force and being held against your will.
RED FLAGS... Gaslighting
To know how to spot gaslighting, you need to understand it. Gaslighting has become a popular term, but it can be a bit hard to get your head around. It is a manipulative manoeuvre used by an abuser to make someone question their own thoughts, memories and events occurring around them. Eventually, the victim may even question their own sanity.
RED FLAGS... The Great SAFE Escape
Everyone knows how hard it is to break up a relationship but to leave a person who is abusing you is particularly hard. Mainly because of the fears that are involved... What will you do? How will you do it so you are safe?
RED FLAGS... Why Do I Feel Their Guilt
There are so many of us that carry guilt around with us, and for the survivors of trauma, we carry more than we have to. Many survivors of a traumatic event are left with this sense of guilt and shame, this is known as trauma-related guilt.
Many of us have been diagnosed with PTSD. Guilt and shame have a role in this disorder. Trauma-related guilt is the feeling of regret that we could have, should have, and we didn’t do something different than what we did at the time of the event, or within the ongoing abuse or trauma-related incident.
RED FLAGS... Reactive Abuse
As we know, most abusers use tactics to confuse their victims, I have spoken about that many times in my other blogs. What I want to address in this one, is how abusers use reactive abuse tactics to shift the blame for the abuse on the other person. Reactive abuse is one of the favourite moves of the abuser. They use this tactic to try and make the victim believe that they are the actual abuser because the victim reacted to the abuse that they have had to endure. The victim may have reacted by; shouting, screaming, snapping, throwing insults, or physically fighting back or lashing out. The abuser will try to convince the victim that they are overreacting because 'there is nothing' worth reacting about.
RED FLAGS... Breaking The 'Abuse Me' Vibe
For years I remember thinking have I got 'abuse me' written on my forehead, or did I give out an 'I'm easy for you to abuse' kind of vibe?
I have since discovered that I am not the only one who felt this. Many people, especially women, can go from one abusive relationship to another. Maybe we don't feel we deserve any better. Perhaps, we are kind and gentle. Some people may take advantage of our demeanour. Or do we actually like the bad boy/girl image?
RED FLAGS... Fear of Leaving
The question I probably get asked the most since I left my 15-year abusive relationship is, 'why didn't you just leave?' Every time I am asked, it almost feels as if they are blaming me for staying. The facts are, there are many reasons why people stay in an unhealthy relationship and no matter how many other people suggest leaving it has to be done in your own time.
Questions you DON'T ask someone in an unhealthy relationship
For many years people have asked me ‘why didn’t you leave your ex-husband sooner?’ Or ‘If there were signs of control before you got married why did you marry him?’ These are genuine questions that really bother people who have not been in an abusive relationship. Even though I understand why people ask these questions, it is frustrating to hear it. I felt that it almost put the blame of the abuse on me. It was as if people were saying ‘you kept putting yourself into the situation, or you should have known better’. I often said that to myself, I would take the blame, maybe I should have known better.
FREEDOM... From the crazy and negative minds
During my time of recovering from the unhealthy relationship that I had with my ex-husband, I found that it was more about conquering my thoughts and beginning to make new choices.
You see, I believed the things that I was told by him. I believed I couldn’t do anything, that I was solely dependent upon him and had no independence at all.
